For all you beautiful, blushing Brides forcing smiles when your bitchy girlfriend picks out prostitute shoes for your outdoor ceremony…I’ve got you covered. Send your girls this list and watch them fall in line. Because bottomline is this, it's your big day, baby. Let's make it magical and shit.
* Please note, this list is much smaller than my previous Bridesmaid-centered rambling for one simple reason: The Bride is (almost) always right. Bridal party members should keep their head down, their mouths shut and march on! *
How to be the Bridesmaid the Bride Deserves
1. You may not like that the pleats on your Bridesmaid dress make your ass look big, but guess what? It’s my day and I’m supposed to look hot. The focus won’t be on your ass any way.
Shut the fuck up and work that dress.
2. No one understands more than I, that you have been waiting for your boyfriend to propose for years. But make it known to that d-bag that if he pops out a ring at my wedding…I’ll kill him. It’s not murder if he had full warning and chooses to die.
I’m footing the bill for this party, that means you don’t get to hijack it.
3. Do not look like a hooker. Unless you are a hooker…in which case, be you.
No hooking before the toasts.
4. You are my favorite, most loved friend. We have shared in so many great adventures. Now just imagine that all those floral appointments and food tastings I drag you to are actually great lady nights full of wine and sweaty man muscles.
It will all be over soon. Bear with me.
5. It is your sole responsibility as my Ladies at Arms to make me look good. Whether that means: Explaining away my fit of hysteria at the reception, Pulling me aside before the ceremony for a last minute curl touch up, Or even just dabbing away the happy tears your toast caused so my mascara doesn’t run. Keep me looking beautiful.
You’ve always been my wing-woman in the battle of single-hood. My wedding day is where shit gets real.
6. Do not sleep with/make-out with/feel up or puke on my future-husband/brother/father/father-in-law/grandfather. I say this because it happens.
I love you but booty-calls with my family are not okay.
7. I realize that I have been a horrible, monster of a Bridezilla but one day I will return to that loving person you once knew and there will again be peace in the kingdom.
Until then, just picture yourself as a General in my ninja Bridesmaid army. Do your time and you will be greatly rewarded in Heaven…with wine…and maybe Chris Hemsworth.
Mmm. Chris Hemsworth.